Boundaries

I've been having a very hard time with these... especially in regards to my family & friends that are in recovery.  I have a hard time deciding what boundaries are ok & what ones are just me being manipulative...

Sometimes the more we resist someone the more we get pulled back.  Like a chinese finger cuff... the more we pull, the more we get stuck.  By relaxing instead of resisting, we set ourselves free.  I don't know if I am ready to enforce the boundaries yet, or I would!

I find myself yelling, screaming, etc... I just have to remember that when I'm serious the ones I'm enforcing the boundary with will know it whether I am yelling or whispering.

Does anyone have any ideas regarding strong/safe boundaries for spouses of addicts/mentally ill?

Oh, Facebook... how ye taunt me

It started a week or so ago, I opened a group "In search of Sheila Dianne Harmon" and I got a few people that wanted to help me.  In the list of names that were associated with her at some point was a name I'd been introduced to about 3 years ago... It seems I have a sister, so I decided to do some StalkBooking and see if she had a Facebook page.

I sent her a FB message that went like this:

I'm trying to put together some genealogical information about Sheila Dianne Harmon & the name Shari Logan came up in my search. You happen to be from the same area in Alabama that she is located but I cannot find her.

Do you happen to know a Sheila Dianne Harmon (Logan) and if so, is there any way that you could help me get in touch with her? I would really appreciate it.

Thank you so much!

I got this in response:

That's my mother and she passed away in July 7th 2001 .who are you .your not the child my mom gave up 4 adoption are you

Then seconds later:

R u my sister

And so began the strange journey into the story of my birth mother's life.  She told her family about me, but she made up a few details along the way about the story of why she gave me away.  According to my sister my mother told her that she had been 17 when she gave me away & it was because she had been in prison at Tutwiler Prison for Women (state prison in Alabama) during the late 60s for robbery and she had been pregnant so that's why she gave me up.  BUT, she was 23 & had never been in prison (I contacted the Alabama Dept of Corrections, I needed answers Dammit)...

So, where does that leave us?  Right now, it leaves me in a permanent state of confusion because I look more like my step-sister than I do my half sister, so I'm thinking that the man that is my half sister's father is my father too...  My step-sister that was born only 6 months before me is probably my half sister & my half sister is actually my whole sister...

Anyone else need a diagram?

Hey, but at least they're receptive, right?  HA!!

Quite the debate...

It all started with this post from a fellow adoptee on her Facebook Status:

For those of us who believe in God - guess what, he wouldn't put a baby in the wrong uterus... He wouldn't need humans to "correct his mistake" and give the baby to the *correct* adopters... Ugh, I wish they would stop using God's name to justify taking someone else's baby....

Then, it all went south from there... tho, I think we're being pretty civilized, all things considered.

I said that JUST yesterday to my husband... God doesn't make mistakes & so HE wouldn't put a baby in one uterus just to complete another family that had nothing to do with said uterus! Until babies start jumping from their mothers' wombs & into the arms of PAPs it isn't God's work or will... it is work done by other humans to make themselves "whole"...
 
The "argument" I've always heard is that of Moses (adopted by the Egyptian queen when all sons of Hebrew/Jewish mothers were being killed) and that of Jesus (his bloodline to King David is defined by his earthly father Joseph, not Mary, his... mother... therefore an adopted bloodline)...

BUT, it's not like I'm out saving the Jews from slavery or saving the entire human race from their Sin... so, don't even START with that sort of God plan with me.

Don't tell me you're "Waiting on God" when your plan is already in motion...

You've been married for just a few years... that's not "waiting on God." Waiting on God is the faith of Sarah when she was in her SIXTYS when she was blessed with Abraham's son. I tried for a full two years from the "ripe old age" of 26-28 before I was diagnosed with PCOS, had to go on a low glycemic diet & lose thirty pounds before my Dr would even THINK about putting me on hormones or any such type of fertility drug. So I lost the weight & guess what... I was pregnant 3 months later. No Fertility Drugs NEEDED!

My beautiful daughter... MY daughter, my flesh and blood, my child, was born TO me before I turned 30. I didn't go out and court a poor, frazzled, out of sorts, hormonal, underage, ashamed birth mother... I prayed & I TRULY waited. So instead of feeling as though I NEEDED a child to complete me & to complete my family... I waited until I was rewarded for my faith & my diligence and was given the gift of MY child... not ripping one from the arms of another.

So, best of luck to you with your "wait"... but don't go flashing all this "faith & waiting on God" stuff when you're actually just waiting to tear apart a natural family that OBVIOUSLY God had a plan for... that didn't involve YOU until you stuck YOUR plans above HIS!


By the way, WAITING on God entails actually WAITING!  That whole "be still" thing... the part where you're faithful enough to do NOTHING while God works HIS plan... instead of jumping the gun & expecting God to just up & "bless you" with someone else's child!

My voice comes from a place of hurt because I'm an adoptee & a Christian...

I'm BAAAAACK!

Had to get back out there after spending the weekend with my fellow adoptees... man, I've missed blogging. And I am going to be back in full effect!

**HUGS** to you all!
Nic